Requiem for a Dream

Hello out there in blogger land. Does anyone read this thing? Hey you. You. Yes you, the one staring at this, you're the only one reading this, so take your time and delve into this blog with me, won't you? At least appease me for 5 mins or so and then leave a comment and say something like, "Cool blog," or "Booorrrriiiinnng," or, "You suck fatty!" Okay, maybe you're not that mean, but something is better than nothing even if that something is not the something you want to hear. Nothing is worse than nothingness. Man, talk about a cheesy way to coax people into reading more. Man, my middle name should be Pat, short for pat-het-ic.

To be honest, I read some of the other blogs out there and get a little envious, especially when I see over 10,000 views on one page, and hundreds of followers on another, with post that say things like, "Thanks so much guys, I never thought anyone would read this and now I have 25,000 views!" So, maybe I have to write more, or maybe about different things? Maybe I should be 100% honest? Who knows, but here goes...

Does God speak to us through our dreams? I've had a dreams the last few months that were like no other dreams I've ever had. I've been a dreamer my whole life. Not in the, "Reach for your dreams!" or "It's a dream come true!" kind of way, but the real way. Dreams that have you scratching your head or red in the face in embarrassment.

I dream a lot; so much so that I used to wake up screaming every night as a kid because of crazy nightmares. Once, when I was like 9, I remember having a dream that I was hiding in the kitchen from someone, and, as they came into the kitchen for me, they stepped on a bunch of little mouse traps. The traps snapped loudly and scared the crap out of me. So bad in fact, that I woke up screaming and scared my uncle out of a deep sleep. I was staying with him and his family for the week. It's very taxing, dreaming like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure that one day when I meet Jesus, I want to ask why, why so many dreams and why so vivid and confusing?

I sometimes hear people say, "I never dream..." To me, that's crazy. I have several a night; usually ultra vivid, rarely are they good, and they are always memorable. I've got to the place now that half the time when I dream, I know I'm dreaming and try to wake myself up. I can remember as a kid I was so sick of dreaming - sick of being afraid, sick of the nightmares, and sick & tired of the stress - so sick in fact that I try to wake myself up. Someone was chasing me, and as I ran through the streets I stomped on the pavement yelling at the top of my lungs in frustration, "wake up!" The dreams are always of me falling down a steep height, or bouncing & flying through the air, or feeling like my oxygen is being cut off and I can't breathe, or someone chasing me, or doing something embarrassing & regretful. Rarely are they good, and they are never the kind of dream that's so perfect I don't want to wake up. I long for those kind of dreams, the kind Roy Orbison had. Usually when I have a dream like that, I know it's a dream, and whatever that thing is that seems too good to be true - whether it be a person, a place, or a situation - is giving me butterflies of excitement, I'll say to myself, or out-loud, "this isn't real, it's a dream," then I wake up. Man, this is getting more depressing as time goes on....Sometimes, I get so sick of dreaming that I ignore them when I wake up, and refuse think about them again. I just wish I understood, ya know?

But these few I'm talking about were beyond vivid; they were almost surreal. I felt like it was more like I was transported somewhere else and going through the dreams in another time and place. Like I have a message, or job, or something I'm supposed to get out of these dreams, or I'm being warned of something, or being made aware of something. I try to understand, but never do. Maybe I am just over analyzing, but if there's anything in this world I'm good at, (well, experienced at, anyway) it's dreaming. And these two or three dreams were like nothing else I've ever experienced before...

...I'll explain them later, when I have the energy. Man, I hope someone is reading this...


Dream baby got me dreamin’ sweet dreams the whole day through
Dream baby got me dreamin’ sweet dreams night time too
I love you and I’m dreaming of you but that won’t do
Dream baby make me stop my dreamin’, you can make my dreams come true

Oh Mr. Orbison, if only I could dream like you...

Whatever Happened to the Young Man's Heart?

What ever happened,
to the young man's heart?
Swallowed by pain,
as he slowly fell apart.
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45...




I heard those words in a song a few years ago while driving to work one day, and it really hit me; it lead me down a road of thought that has shown me so many sad truths...

It's a sad thing these days, the state of men. It's so odd to see a man actually act like a man. You know the kind of guy I'm talking about, the guy who keeps his word until death, fulfills his commitments, and does the things God intended a man to do. Whatever happened to the young man's heart? Where did we go wrong, that men - young men especially - have no heart or care for anything? It's such a sad, sad thing. To see a young man- a teenager maybe - who's dedicated to school, extra-curricular activities, his family, responsibilities, and others, is such an odd and out of the ordinary thing. Who do we have to blame?

It would be such an easy thing to blame the young men themselves: "He's selfish, lazy, self-centered, arrogant, and unreliable!" How often do we hear women saying that about men? Quite often in my world, really. The sad thing is, the men are to blame for not taking responsibility, but more than that, the parents (or lack there of) are more to blame. I think on a line from a movie I once heard: "I'm a 30 year old boy, I can't get married. We're a generation of men raised by women, is another woman in our life really what we need?" Such a profound statement; men are raised by women because their father's aren't, or weren't, around to show them the right way to live. They weren't ever told that just because you want something doesn't mean you get it. They were never taught that their word means something, and right is right regardless of how you feel about it. They were never shown that going to work is a part of life, not a choice in life, and children are supposed to be a blessing, not a consequence.

When did the family start to take a back seat to selfishness and passion? When did feelings start to rule actions? When did we, as a society and people, change into people who only live for the moment and lose heart? It's a scary thought that the world in which we live is ruled by feelings and emotional whims. We've lost heart, we have no direction, and our solution is apathy. As the song states, once pain comes for the young man, he stares into the barrel of a 45. He gives up; he sees no real value in struggle, hard work, or responsibility. It's time men start to stand up and be the men God created us to be.

Oh, what a different world it would be if the young man took his focus off of himself, and looked toward God and others...

The Gift of Objectivity

So, I often think of this time in my life, or the time to come I should say, the moment my last breath is taken. I mean, isn't that the most important breath you'll ever take? I heard it said once that the two most important moments in your life are the moment you are born, and the moment you realize why. That's a very profound statement, but in reality, shouldn't the most important moment in your life be when you take your last breath? Shouldn't the time when you're gasping for your last liter of oxygen, the oxygen that supplies the rest of your body with the life-giving breath God breathed into Adam at the beginning of time, be what is most important? We all live our lives in the moment to some extent, but if we were to keep this fact in mind, the fact that someday, maybe sooner than later, we'll be taking our last breath, and the grave is where we rest our bones forever while our soul moves to eternity, wouldn't the world be a different place?

Think if every decision you made was made with that thought constantly in mind. Is this decision really important? Are these words I'm about to speak, actions I'm about to take, or thoughts I'm about to entertain really worth it? The world would be such a different place if people truly knew their mortality. The fights over: politics, property, money, land, and every other selfish thing there is in this world would nearly cease to exist.

What a gift objectivity is. Thank you for it, Lord.

I ask too many questions...

I hope I'm not the only one out there who sucks at life. Man, I swear I feel like sometimes I am just one sin/failure/procrastination away from a deserved beheading. Why is it that I can never do the things that I want to do, but rather I do that which I do not want to? I mean, Paul was right...

So I feel I have to explain myself a little about the previous post about said 'not divorced woman.' Said not divorced woman and I have never had any ill-advised contact, we do not have any ill-advised relationship, and, in-fact, said not divorced woman probably has no idea I feel this way. Said not-divorced woman will be divorced next week, and is just as heartbroken as you would expect someone to be in her position. Maybe I'm an idiot for feeling this way. I need to guard my heart I suppose, pray about it, and put it in God's hands. Or maybe just not be so dang selfish.

Anyway, I've had too much to think (imagine that) lately, and have been struggling with, and trying to figure out, a balance in my Christian life. A balance between living a holy life, and realizing I'll never be perfect. I mean, where does the balance come in? Laying awake at night, fearing for my soul because I can't stop the sin that so easily entangles me, but yet knowing, accepting, loving, serving, and yielding to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Why is it that I can't find that balance and peace that so many born-again Christians know? Maybe I let my brain get in the way? Maybe I'm missing something?

Maybe I am still too full of self to receive all that God has to offer, including the peace that passes all understanding? Whatever it is, I die to know it, and I wish It were there for me to grab, take hold of, cultivate, make a part of my being, and bear the fruit I so desperately want it to. Whatever it is, I wish God would reveal it to me, but I do know a few other things, one of which is that there are certain things that we (Christians) can control but choose not to. Maybe it's a simple as praying more, asking more, believing more, acting according to his will, obeying his commands, and following the two greatest commandments? Or, maybe more-so, it's a frame of mind, realization, and accepting of what Jesus did on the cross. Died for my sins, and my own righteousness will not ever be enough. I've already failed miserably 1,000,000 times and counting, so why would I ever think that how I act would make me righteous before the almighty God and his perfect kingdom and throne?

I ask too many questions....

Don't Read This

The infamous first post; the post that people try to impress others and coax them into thinking they're something they're not. You know, the post that tries to make you sound smart, or funny, or just downright amazing. I'm not going to do that - I really just want to write something today so I can say I have at least one blog posted, regardless of how pointless it truly is.

I hope to have this blog for a long time. I hope what they say is true: writing, journaling, or getting words down on paper (or computer screen) can be therapeutic. So many thoughts racing through my mind 24 hours a day, I just had to do something. Writing in itself is a learned craft; it's one of those things that you have to work at, and writing for only your eyes to see is awfully selfish. Why not share your thoughts with others? Why not put your heart on your sleeve for the peeping Tims of the internet world? Maybe I'll sleep better, or maybe I'll just waste more of what precious little free time I have.

So, I guess I better let the cat out of the bag. Oh do I feel like a little kid right now; I mean, I really don't know what I'm thinking. Am I crazy for even thinking it's a possibility? She won't be divorced for another week or so...

What am I getting myself into??????????