I ask too many questions...

I hope I'm not the only one out there who sucks at life. Man, I swear I feel like sometimes I am just one sin/failure/procrastination away from a deserved beheading. Why is it that I can never do the things that I want to do, but rather I do that which I do not want to? I mean, Paul was right...

So I feel I have to explain myself a little about the previous post about said 'not divorced woman.' Said not divorced woman and I have never had any ill-advised contact, we do not have any ill-advised relationship, and, in-fact, said not divorced woman probably has no idea I feel this way. Said not-divorced woman will be divorced next week, and is just as heartbroken as you would expect someone to be in her position. Maybe I'm an idiot for feeling this way. I need to guard my heart I suppose, pray about it, and put it in God's hands. Or maybe just not be so dang selfish.

Anyway, I've had too much to think (imagine that) lately, and have been struggling with, and trying to figure out, a balance in my Christian life. A balance between living a holy life, and realizing I'll never be perfect. I mean, where does the balance come in? Laying awake at night, fearing for my soul because I can't stop the sin that so easily entangles me, but yet knowing, accepting, loving, serving, and yielding to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Why is it that I can't find that balance and peace that so many born-again Christians know? Maybe I let my brain get in the way? Maybe I'm missing something?

Maybe I am still too full of self to receive all that God has to offer, including the peace that passes all understanding? Whatever it is, I die to know it, and I wish It were there for me to grab, take hold of, cultivate, make a part of my being, and bear the fruit I so desperately want it to. Whatever it is, I wish God would reveal it to me, but I do know a few other things, one of which is that there are certain things that we (Christians) can control but choose not to. Maybe it's a simple as praying more, asking more, believing more, acting according to his will, obeying his commands, and following the two greatest commandments? Or, maybe more-so, it's a frame of mind, realization, and accepting of what Jesus did on the cross. Died for my sins, and my own righteousness will not ever be enough. I've already failed miserably 1,000,000 times and counting, so why would I ever think that how I act would make me righteous before the almighty God and his perfect kingdom and throne?

I ask too many questions....